Morning Surprise.

MissusB and I had an argument in the middle of the night last night because we were both exhausted and the baby wouldn't sleep.  I apologized this morning when we woke up. I also admitted that I have been so horny that I barely resisted forcing myself on her in the night. Then I *ahem* casually revealed that I'd gotten stiff watching her get dressed. She came over and sat on the edge of the bed and stroked my cock a little, not really in the way she would when she's giving me a handjob, just sort of rubbed it and played with it a little like she does once in a while. I assumed it would be a wonderful tease to start the day.  Then she licked her hand and started really working it. I was close to orgasm very quickly and said so. She stopped and adjusted us closer to the middle of the bed and I said asked astonished, "Are you going to let me come?" She said, "I don't know. Do you think so?" I said I didn't know because she has definitely left me there before and I had no idea that she might give me a treat like that after a rough night, but she just jumped right back into the rhythm and I made a sort of purring sound that I don't think I've even made before and came all over my belly.

Then she gave me a kiss and headed off to work. I'm still floating. I'm a very lucky man.

Level Up.

I am feeling very lustful these days. I am getting erections at the drop of a hat. I wake up over and over throughout the night because my stiff dick is so sensitive to any contact of the sheets rubbing against it as I roll over or shift. This is exactly what I wanted and it is also a great struggle. In my fantasies, I am always forced to go for a long time between orgasms, but in real life we had more or less settled into one a week. Now we're edging(heh) past three weeks and it really makes a difference. That and,  as I've mentioned recently, MissusB has really stepped into her role and is making every day more wife led.

It does help me stay more attentive to MissusB. She has made it clear, though, that she doesn't want me to be very clingy, and that is getting more and more difficult. I have been successful so far, I think, but I feel like I'm constantly biting my tongue. Or I feel like I am spending a ton of energy in keeping my hands off her. She has really firmed up her habit of quickly chastising me if I stroke her without permission or when she wants me to stop for whatever reason. This change in the quantity of our physical contact is a harder adjustment for me than the orgasm control.

 I have had several moments lately where it feels like she has forgotten about or else intentionally disregarded my interest in some minor thing. She was afraid when we started that she may take me for granted, but I have all along more or less felt like she should just expect me to be there for her since I have made that commitment. For example, yesterday we had a few hours on a weekend afternoon while the baby napped. Of course, after our very intimate night on Friday I was feeling very close to her and wanted to do something together. She settled into a video game pretty quickly. At first, out of habit, I did this or that to try to gently dislodge her or kind of speed her along. After a bit, I realized what I was doing and that what I really want is for MissusB to do exactly what she wants. At that moment, I was able to settle down and sit with her and watch.  It felt good. I didn't mention anything to her, but I just felt good to be able to put my own stuff aside and sit and do what she wanted to do. I feel like I'm growing into my new role, too.

Then this morning, I woke up before MissusB and the baby did. I started writing this, but then thought it would be nice to clean up the house while I had some time alone. I did a quick pass at everything and was done and back to writing before they got up. Then, more or less out of the blue, without a mention of the housecleaning or anything else, MissusB took an opportunity to grab my package through my pajamas and squeeze and stroke me for a few seconds. Those few seconds and my wife and her general awesomeness will be on my mind for days.

Everything is really coming together. I'm even enjoying the hard parts. I'm a very lucky man.

New Heights and New Lows

I'm marking some new peaks and valleys in things with MissusB. If my memory and my skimming of this blog is correct, this is now the longest I've been made to go with out an orgasm. Really, that seems like just one small example of how we are getting more and more adjusted to FLR being a real part of our lives. I'd say that MissusB issues me an unwavering command at least a couple times every day now. Likewise, I'm moving more into a daily routine of service instead of serving primarily out of sexual longing.

Also, last night was date night. After the baby was asleep, MissusB told me to go put my clothes away and to turn up the heat and then added "You may as well get the vibrator out now." When I came back, her clothes were piled on the couch and she was wearing a bathrobe. She had me put the clothes away and bring a bowl of soapy water and a washcloth. She sat on the edge of the couch and had me wash her pussy. "All the nooks and crannies." While she watched the "Bend Over Boyfriend" video on the tv behind me. When she was all clean, I started to stroke her thighs, but she stopped me right away and said, "You're not here to stroke me." Then she turned over onto her knees and told me to wash her ass.

It is hard to describe how exciting that was for me. Of course I immediately hoped that she was going to let me lick her, but the washing was also very thrilling on its own. I've never done that before. I was very careful to be as gentle and thorough as I could and I let her know when she was all clean. After a pause where I was left with nothing to do but gaze longingly at her ass and wonder what she had in mind next, she said that I could touch her. My hands leapt to it and I was thrilled again. I didn't pet her long before she said I could kiss her. Now, she's let me do this before once or twice, but not for a long time and I've been longing for it almost daily since we started FLR.  I can honestly say, that I'd have given up all orgasms for life if she'd made that the condition of being allowed to keep my tongue up against her backside. After a while, she pulled away and turned over saying that I'd got her excited.

She asked me to finger her pussy while she vibrated herself. I ended up getting to lube her up with my mouth, which was of course another great thrill. Not long after we started this part, she stopped with the vibrator to give me some instruction on just what she wanted me to do. She corrected the position of my fingers with breathless, but unrestrained feedback. Then once she had me where she wanted me, she got the vibe back out.  This all felt fantastic for me and she looked very sexy while she worked herself up. I did have to take my hand out eventually because it was cramping, but I got to stay down between her legs to watch her have a great orgasm.  I massaged her tense legs for a bit after that.

Then she had me stand in front of her while she proceeded to almost touch me at various places below my waist. For reasons that I'll never fully understand, but which may be whiskey related, I didn't get quite hard. I had been hard for most of the earlier part of the evening, but flagged a bit when my hand was sore and didn't quite recover. After barely touching me a couple times, she said, "Ok, that's it." Then she had me sit down with her while we watched a tv show.  I went to bed more satisfied and more frustrated than I can say.

I'm a very lucky man.

Mostly sex.

More little things. Most of which I can't remember, to be honest. They are just a word here and a glance there that give me a little lift but don't seem like events. They seem like a normal part of the day.

Here's an example. The other day she asked me to make a little change in something around the house. I gladly agreed both because I love doing things for her and honestly it was trivial. She followed up with "I know it probably won't help anything, but do it anyway to make me happy. That's your job." That was that.

Then there are not so little things. Last night we went to bed and it took a little while to get the baby to sleep. I am not sure how exactly it was communicated, but I got the clear sense that we'd be doing a big of snuggling before bed and I was excited. Anyone in an FLR will understand that I really didn't have any expectations beyond getting to hold MissusB and maybe stroke her skin and kiss her a little. I'm sure anyone not in one will think I'm full of it, but it was true.

So I slid over to put my arms around her once the baby was down and before I got there she told me to turn around so she could spoon me to keep warm while she fell asleep. We have been falling asleep that way most nights lately and normally I'm thrilled, but last night I had hoped to touch her a bit more. I made some comment, innocuous I think, and she reiterated her instructions. I cheerfully complied and said, "I'll take whatever you've got." to which MissusB said, "That's right, you will."

We talked a little bit about how long it has been since I've had a release. She asked me how long since we've had sex and then she asked me how long since I've had an orgasm. Both answers are the same: about two and a half weeks. She then reached down toward my lap and put her hand sort of around my cock, but not touching. She held it there and then just barely brushed against me first at one spot then another.

It didn't take much of that before I was gasping and moaning with every little touch. She kept that up for a while before she licked one of her fingers and started to do some kind of light flicking that had me very near orgasm in no time. I told her and she slowed down a little.  She kept changing her technique slightly and then getting me almost there and changing again. At one point she went so far as to close her hand around my cock for just a second and I was so grateful. I thanked her again and again.

Also, while this was going on, she started grinding her hips against me from behind and from that point each of us was occasionally moved to short bursts of grinding like she was fucking me from behind. After I didn't know how long, she said, "You know you're not going to get to come tonight, don't you?" I hadn't known but it was thrilling to be told.  Not long after that, she let me stroke and lightly finger her very wet pussy before she got out her vibrator.

At first I lay beside her and kissed and stroked her like I often do while she buzzes herself. Then she had me kneel near her head. Before long, she was kissing the head of my dripping cock. Then she took the head into her mouth and just barely sucked on it. It was extremely exciting and she finished pretty soon after. Afterward, she said that she had been teasing me for 45 minutes. I wouldn't have been able to begin to guess. She also made some comment as we were falling asleep about how funny she finds it to think of me going to sleep after being so excited. I forget what I said, but it was something about her laughing at these things a lot. She replied, "I have to have a sense of humor about these things, otherwise I'd be a complete bitch." I did not find the courage to say that I'd be ok if she wanted to be a complete bitch when it suited her because I'm very happy with the way things are.

I'm a very lucky man.

Just Little Things.

MissusB has started doing little FLR things more often. Nothing major, just telling me to go get her something or putting her feet in my lap expectantly. Last weekend she decided that I'm not allowed to look at any porn for a week. Yesterday she asked me to try to stay off the internet all day. I almost but did not quite manage to do that, for more or less practical reasons, I got on for a few minutes yesterday afternoon. I told her that when she came home from work, and she said, "You didn't do what I asked. I'll have to think of what your punishment will be." On Monday when we went to bed I snuggled up to her and was allowed to caress her for a few minutes, probably about five minutes, but it was an amazing treat for me. I enjoyed every second and I also became very turned on. She stopped me abruptly and had me roll with my back to her, so she could fall asleep spooning me, which has become our normal bedtime posture. It was hard to stop on her command, but I did and she praised me and said I may get to pet her in bed more often if I can prove to her that I can stop when she says so. I have been struggling to not beg or plead a little and make her tell me several times to stop, but I'm feeling more hopeful that I'll be able to do better now.

Those weren't all the things, but they are a good sampling. She is definitely getting a real understanding of how much impact she can have by doing even the tiniest things. It is feeling great for me and MissusB seems to be really enjoying herself too. I'm a very lucky man.

Another Great Weekend.

MissusB and I had a great weekend. We're in the process of moving to another town and we got some solid progress done on that. We didn't have our regular Friday date night. I don't think there was a reason. It just didn't happen.

Saturday morning as we were spooning in bed, MissusB started to move just a little bit in a way that is easy to recognize and we had some hot, quick, sex. It was hot for obvious reasons, but it was quick partly because I am kind of short triggered these days and partly because the baby woke up. I took the baby out to the other room while MissusB finished herself off with her buzzer.

Sunday night I was allowed to give her a nice long foot and calf massage and eventually invited to just keep massaging up from there. While I did that, MissusB caught up with my caption blog, which she reads intermittently. When she was done with that put on some porn for herself to watch over my shoulder while I got to basically make out with her clit. I don't know how long I got to do that, I was transported.  When my back gave out from bending over her, we switched to the vibrator and she came a couple times. I got to keep striving.

I'm a very lucky man.

Date Night

Friday was everything I'd hoped it would be.

We talked a watched a little TV after the baby went to sleep and then MissusB sent me to fetch condoms and sex toys from the bedroom while she stretched out on the couch.

When I got back, she had me stand near her head and proceeded to tease me deliciously with her mouth. Before long she wanted fucked. She put me on my back on the couch and climbed on top. After just a few amazing thrusts, she told me to be still and started to get herself off with her vibrator. At first I couldn't feel the vibrations much, but as she sat there stuck on my hard cock while I had to use all my failing concentration to stop myself from thrusting, the buzzing started to build.

As amazing as that feeling was, I really felt transported by the feeling of the skin on her thighs and ass against both my hands and my own thighs. I've never felt skin as wonderful to stroke and pet as hers.

Afterward, we had a very sweet and romantic conversation about how wonderful we feel right after great sex together. The feeling is fleeting and the best memories are very pale beside the real thing, but you do remember well that something wonderful happened.

I'm a very lucky man.

Absent

Not long after my last post, I more or less figured that this second attempt at FLR was over. Basically, there wasn't anything happening. I still was doing the housework, but I'm an at home dad, so that's natural. I wasn't up to my best but it was getting done.

We had some her MissusB's family in town for more than a week. Things just were not particularly anything in particular. I mentioned at one point that I had basically given up on FLR, but it was in a context where we couldn't get into it. MissusB just said, "No, you don't get to decide whether we are doing FLR or not." Then we had to continue whatever we were talking about and never got back to it. Honestly, it wasn't even on my mind.

In my mind, it was basically back to equal partners. I did hold back on masturbating assuming we'd talk things over at some point.

Then Tuesday night, as we were going to sleep, I said something about wanting to have sex just as I would have before FLR. Not pressuring, just an invitation. MissusB responded immediately, "You aren't getting any sex until this house is spotless." Just like that I was back to being hers again. We went to sleep after a chaste kiss.

Wednesday I cleaned as much and as thoroughly as I could manage in the time I wasn't taking care of the baby, but the house was definitely not spotless when MissusB got home. It was close, but there were a few things that clearly needed work. I got no dusting, sweeping, or mopping done in the bedroom, for instance, because the baby was asleep in there when I had time to clean.

I was very attentive all evening and was debating whether I should own up to my feelings that I still had work to do or whether I should take her generosity if she offered it. It didn't end up being as issue, because MissusB said it needed work but that she was sure I could get it done Thursday. Later, as we lay in bed before sleep she decided to use her Magic Wand and I got very excited. I don't think I have ever felt as desperate to slide into someone as I was at that moment. I begged and pleaded and must had no pride at all. Eventually, MissusB was busting up laughing at me, but it didn't slow me down. When she finally ordered me to settle down it was incredibly difficult to control myself.

Yesterday was Thursday. I apologized in morning, but she assured me that she had enjoyed herself and found it very sexy. I had no idea I was able to stay that excited while my wife openly laughed at me, let alone that I was married to a woman who would do it.

Again, I cleaned with nearly all the time and energy I had. While the house wouldn't have passed a strict military inspection, it was as clean as any house we've ever lived in together if not cleaner. We went out to dinner with some friends, so MissusB didn't see it until very late. She didn't offer any complaints, but made it clear we weren't going to be making love anyway.

This morning at breakfast, she mentioned a few little things she wanted to see improved today and suggested that I had good chances tonight. Friday is generally a "date night" for us anyway. These days, between the baby and not being in our twenties anymore, that often just amounts to having more than one glass of wine and maybe staying up an hour later. It means more, though, because it means that some time every week is dedicated to us as a couple. So, needless to say, I'm looking forward to a lovely night with MissusB.

reconnected

We had some friends over tonight. Most of today was spent cleaning and preparing for their arrival. MissusB did a lot of work, which made me a bit uncomfortable at first, but she seemed to want to, so I didn't say anything. It was just a nice day together.

We laid down for a nap that got sidetracked by MissusB vibrating herself to an orgasm. Then she asked me if I was excited and told me good night. However, she then reached over with the vibrator and started rubbing it over my stiff cock. She did that for a few minutes and I asked if I could come. It had been two weeks, which is longer than I've gone since we've been married, even counting when the baby was born. She said I could and it was fantastic.

Then we napped just a little and went back to preparing for our guests. It feels like the recent friction is just about totally behind us.

One of my in laws is coming for a visit soon, so I expect that will have a big impact on things around here both between MissusB and me and between the Internet and me. I'm not guessing it will be for the worse in either case, but I do anticipate and impact.

Lately

MissusB and I have been a bit distant for a while.

We've been basically just hanging around each other. We had an argument about two weeks ago and have each been dealing with the aftermath in our own way. Wednesday we had the aftershock argument. I think we have got things pretty well reknit.

FLR came up a bit in the original argument but I think it was more a distraction than actually relevant. Then in the meantime, neither of us has been really relating to each other in any meaningful way including leading or following.

During the follow up, I said that it didn't seem like FLR was making anything better for either of us and that we might as well give it up. I should back up, actually. Leading into the conversation, MissusB started telling me that I need to do this and that. It felt strange and not great. She had just been out of that role for long enough that it didn't make sense right away. Then we talked about things.

So, when I said that I didn't think FLR was getting us anything, she said I was no longer doing it right and that it had been good for her when I had been. When I talked about giving it up, she said "It isn't up to you whether we do FLR or not." and it wasn't a pose at all. As little as she has been leading, she still feels it is her decision. And she's right of course. Even before we were officially female led, she made the decisions and even if we ever go back to officially equal partners, she will be making the decisions.

So, we removed the splinter from our paw and are well on our way to mending. She's even mentioned the possibility of romance sometime soon.

Nothing Much

MissusB has been having some health issues that have taken basically all her energy. I've been taking care of the house she's been cooking a little. We've generally just been taking it easy. Nothing sexy happening. We've hardly left the house, really. She did apologize last night that we haven't had sex in a while. It was a very non-FLR moment and I just hope I handled it sensitively. While it is sexy for my wife to deny me sex or release and it can make her feel sexier and more powerful, it doesn't work that way when she feels like it isn't her choice either. Both of us are being rather unsexilly denied by her health issues. I assured her that I was fine and that I missed the cuddling more than anything else, but more than anything I just want her to get to feel ok.

So, there we stand until who knows when. I can only hope for her sake that she starts to feel better soon and can get back to a full enjoyment of life and love and everything she likes.

Unexpected

After the baby went to bed last night, I offered MissusB a footrub. She accepted and said that I should be naked for it. When I came back naked from gathering the foot rub things, she had me set them down and then turn around so she could look. She told me to 'stand proud' and corrected my posture in a couple ways. It was very different for us and exciting for me.

We watched her tv show while I rubbed her feet. Afterward, she said she needed an orgasm and sent me to get her vibrator from the bedroom. Then she set me to finding some web porn for her to look at while she masturbated. I started by looking at the few tumblr pictures blogs I look at and during that she was reminded of my picture and captions blog, which she hadn't looked at since just after I started it. I stood by and watched as she read through the whole thing. It was kind of scary to have so many of my fantasies exposed like that one after another. At the end, though, she praised me. She said she enjoyed it and thinks I struck just the right tone. I could see her sense of power grow a bit as she processed what she'd just seen.

We moved from that to just looking around a bit at random sites. She requested some ruined orgasm porn and enthusiastically narrated some picture sets while she fondled me and edged me for a little while. Pretty soon, she brought me to the edge and let go as I came on myself. It was my first ruined orgasm and she loved it. She asked me how it was. I told her that I'd liked getting there, but I didn't feel the big strong orgasm feeling and was still very turned on.

She was thrilled to hear it. MissusB now thinks ruined orgasms could be the perfect solution for us. She thinks more frequent orgasms are better for conception, and this is a way for us to do that without me getting more gratification than she wants me to have. I did mention to her that this was not one the parts of FLR that I was into or that I'd really considered before we started this. She briefly began to chastise me for trying to only be wife led when she leads me where I want to go. I have to admit that her tone and forcefulness was incredibly sexy. I assured her, though, that I wasn't trying to tell her or even suggest what she should do. I was honestly just letting her know.

In fact there are of course any number of things that I don't find exciting myself or even that I think would be unpleasant, but that I'd be thrilled to do if MissusB even felt a whim to try them. I have to admit that I'm feeling as focused on MissusB today as I do when I've been denied for quite a while.

Surprise

We went to bed Friday night as usual. Our house guests were a few rooms away. It was a chaste goodnight kiss. Then at about 3 or 5 or something, I was just laying next to MissusB fantasizing about something or other and let my feet lay get tangled in hers.  I assumed she was asleep, but she made a sort of motion that seemed like she was trying to get loose from me. I flinched off, since I was already alert and was afraid I may have been too clingy. She called me back, though, and said she needed to get fucked. Now, I was pretty sure at this point that we didn't have any condoms, so I didn't know what to do. MissusB told me to check the sex toys box, and I found one!

We made love some and fucked and it was amazing. I was not holding off very well and stopped to try to calm myself, but she didn't want that. With her permission, I let loose completely and we had a very hot finish. I felt so relaxed and content, but still devoted. Even today, though I've been lightly teased several times since then, I feel much looser, but no less hers.

I'm a very lucky man.

Indulgence

Yesterday I was having some doubts about some plans we have for moving house. MissusB was annoyed but took the time to go through the finances with me so I wouldn't worry. I trust her judgement, but I had some doubts mostly because I handle all the bills and she rarely looks at our financial information. Even so, she was right and I was just being paranoid, probably because of some past relationships with financially deranged women. It was just a sweet thing for her to do for me.

At bedtime, MissusB said she would love to have sex, but still isn't feeling up to it after her recent medical issue. I also reminded her that we have no condoms. She acted surprised, even though we'd talked about it pretty recently.  So, she decided we'd just go to bed. Once in bed, though, she was having a hard time getting to sleep and decided to use the Magic Wand vibe to get off and relax herself. While she used her right hand to guide the vibe, she grabbed my shaft with her left. Soon she was moaning and I was whimpering and thrusting. As I thrust, she just moved her had so I met no resistance no matter how I moved.

When she finished, she said she likes the little noises I make. I wasn't really aware of making noises, but ok. She also thanked me for helping her get off. Then it was time for sleep, though it took me a while to calm down enough to get any sleep.

It's now been nine days since I had an orgasm. I had to look at the blog since I stopped counting. Also, it has been a full month since I've had my penis inside her. I'm sure that we've never gone that long without fucking since the day we got together.

Checking In.

FLR stuff has been quiet and in the background lately. MissusB has been having some discomfort from a recent medical procedure. Most of her that hasn't been going to healing has been reserved for work. Also, we're considering moving house. It hasn't been totally absent, though.

A few days ago, MissusB told me that she's decided to wait an additional month before we start trying to get pregnant again. We still have no birth control in the house,  so I have no chance of actually getting into her pussy for six weeks. She did hint that I may get to come sometime before then. She said, "This way you don't know when you get to come next, and that's fun for me." Fun for us both, really.

Then the other morning, when the baby woke up early, I took the baby into another room so that MissusB could sleep in. She didn't though, she came out a little bit later and said "Did you hear me in there buzzing myself? If you had been in there, we'd totally be pregnant right now. I was crazy for it." That was a great way to start my day.

Then last night as we lay in bed before sleep, MissusB started what amounted to a mini-review. She asked about my 'job satisfaction', and how I thought I was doing in terms of efficiency. She reassured me about some things. Encouraged me to work harder in some areas. It was a great conversation. It is strange to me that I'm sure most men not in FLR would bristle at the idea of their wives frankly questioning them and offering judgement. It was a wonderful conversation.

I'm a very lucky man.

Weekend

We had a nice weekend after a bit of a rough start.

During dinner Friday, MissusB said that she wanted me to rub her all over with oil. Needless to say, I was enthusiastic about this idea. So, I went and got a sheet to keep the couch clean and found some oil. I put the sheet on the couch and she climbed in and wrapped herself up. Apparently she was feeling bashful. Ok, so I just sat at her feet as we watched some TV. I rubbed them and after a while massaged her feet and calves with oil occasionally caressing the outside of her thighs. We ended up going to bed after that with no all over oiling.  MissusB said she was grouchy with me, but couldn't say why.

Saturday morning, she said she'd figured out why she was feeling grouchy toward me. She didn't get her oil rub. My reaction was totally inappropriate. I got angry, totally withdrew, and didn't say anything at all in response. I continued the 'cold' treatment for a couple hours, in fact. Finally, MissusB straightened me out as we were riding on a train to go do something that was going to be completely ruined by my attitude. We were sitting across from each other grouchy and silent in a crowded car. She looked at me, lowered her eyebrows into a scowl, and stamped her foot. It was both an adorably sweet joke and a serious statement all at once. It reminded me why and how much I love her and made me feel foolish for having behaved like a child.

Later, when we got home, we talked about what had happened Friday. I told her that I need more guidance and had a hard time with her mixed signals. She said that she had some sexy plans for after the rubdown. Apparently this would have been the first thing she was going to do entirely for herself. I don't know if that contributed to the bashfulness. I apologized, but now that I've gone through this here, I feel like she deserves a better one that I gave. I need to work on being less defensive and 'sticking up for myself' less. I don't need to protect myself from her.

Yesterday was just a nice day together.

Accident

Well, last night was amazing and also disappointing.

After the baby went to bed MissusB told me to take of my clothes and join her on the couch. She said, "This won't take long," and proceeded to use her hands to edge me for what felt like quite a long time. During the course of it she also revealed some plans and ideas she's had.

She said that for the past year or so she's been enjoying some fantasies as a sort of guilty pleasure. First she mentioned 'penis torture'. Fortunately, she went on to explain that she was referring to a sort of extreme, prolonged edging, not something with pins. Then she mentioned ruined orgasms. I am pretty sure I'll be finding out more about those soon, but not too soon as I'll get back to in a moment. She explained how exciting the feeling of power is when a man it extremely turned on and can't do anything about it. All the while, she was keeping me just one stroke shy of relief.

Then she switched topics and said that she was thinking of making me wait to have an orgasm until we are ready to start trying to get pregnant again. She's already got me in a bit of a corner because of that. We are planning to start trying as soon as possible, but she is supposed to be off the birth control pill for a month so the baby would be safe from any its effects. During that month, couples are advised to use condoms or another form of birth control.  The other form of birth control MissusB has chosen is to not let me fuck her. She has still been letting me have orgasms, though. Last night she said she is thinking about not letting me have any more for basically three weeks.

Of course, I found it incredibly sexy to hear to saying these things. Part of me didn't want to say something, but I was so wound up and I want to be honest, so I told her that I want it. She didn't say right then that she was going to do it. She just teased me some more and then we went off to bed. In bed, she proceeded to use her vibrator on herself. She had me touch her first one way, then another, then another while she was buzzing herself. After a while, she told me to kneel beside her and stroke myself so she could watch. I managed to hold myself back for quite a while.  Then, as she was starting to come, I felt I was too close and stopped touching myself. While I tried to breath through, she was moaning in the way she does and I couldn't stop my orgasm, even though my penis wasn't touching anything.

She was a little disappointed and said I need to do something special for her today to make up for it. I felt guilty and sort of pathetic for not being able to do what she wanted. I promised her I'd try harder. That was when she told me I'd have plenty of time to work on it since I wouldn't be coming again until next month.

I'm a very lucky man.

Is this just sex?

After my last post, subservient-husband asked if getting turned on is where I get my motivation, noting that he gets his from seeing his wife happy.
I'm really glad he asked. So, thanks, s-h. I did have to stop and think about it in order to feel like I could give and honest and complete answer.


I do definitely use sexual tension to help motivate myself. Also, going a week or more between release definitely brings sex into focus and increases the sexual energy I have available to motivate me. The sex also gets a lot of space on this blog because most of other stuff is so much like it has always been since MissusB and I have been together and because it is fun to write about. It is only part of the picture, though.


I think MissusB and I both use sex to help build and express intimacy, so when all sexual contact is missing, we don't feel as close. It is a chicken and egg question, I think. I don't know if not feeling close turned my sex drive off and let my focus wander or if a lack of sex drive (caused by who know what) left me feeling more distant.


It is something I'll be watching.


I have always been motivated to find ways to make MissusB smile or to surprise her with some kind of treat. That's not sexually motivated, unless you talk to a Freudian or an evolutionary psychologist. That sort of thing doesn't turn me on; I can say that for sure. Since she's on my mind throughout the day, and since I listen to what she says, I find myself thinking of things that will make her happy. Then, if I can, I try to do them. I think she does the same thing.


I have a much harder time staying motivated to do the mopping and the filing and the dishes. I don't expect her to smile or thank me for having a clean house, though she does sometimes. For those sorts of things, I am intentionally using romantic and erotic feelings for MissusB to help me stay motivated.


I'm not sure if I mentioned this here before, but after our first attempt at FLR ended, the house got a lot dirtier. MissusB said she felt like I was punishing her for not going on with FLR. I explained to her that on one day I felt thrilled and connected to her when I cleaned the bathroom, and then the next day, out of FLR, it was just a dirty toilet again.


So, as much as I love pleasing my wife, which is a lot, I definitely think the sexual teasing and denial is a big part of what makes this work for me.

Lull.

I sort of lost the FLR focus over the last week or so. MissusB did, too. I can't say I'm sure what happened or if anything happened really, but I stopped feeling the feeling.  MissusB thinks it is because two weekends ago she let me have orgasms two days in a row. I tend to doubt it is that, but I can't say for sure. Basically, it seemed like my sex drive just evaporated. I had tried to conjure some fantasies to start myself up, but it was getting nowhere. We got along fine. The chores stayed done. Wednesday MissusB had a medical procedure scheduled that should make her feel quite a bit better day to day. Andticipation of that could have been some part of whatever I was feeling. Afterward, she was pretty knocked down and still isn't close to her normal self.

It was a good chance to get back in the habit of taking care of her. Also we talked a bit about things. For one reason or another, for the last few nights, I've been giving her bedtime back, neck, and butt rubs. The first one of these was the first time I'd been turned on at all in about a week. I could feel myself start to shift back to where I like to be and where I do best.  Today I get to put it all to good use. I clean a lot less when my wife is home, mostly because we do things together instead. So since she has been home for the last 5 days, there's lots of cleaning to do.

I'm off to go clean.

The New Normal

I am attracted to stability and domestic life. I am excited and thrilled to be making changes to our relationship and to have MissusB surprising me. Still, I am looking for some feeling that I know what normal daily life is going to be like. Maybe normal life will be constant change and MissusB won't like any kind of routine. I'd welcome that, too. Having no expectation and having to take everything as it pops up is something I can get used to.

So far, we just haven't been at it long enough for me to feel like I know my way around.  That said, last night seems like as good a candidate for a "normal" night as any.

After dinner, we played with the baby and watched some TV. After the baby went to bed, we watched a little more TV while I scrubbed and massaged MissusB's feet. They are starting to feel very soft with all the lotion and rubbing. Then she had us go to bed so I could give her a back rub. I rubbed her back for some time, longer, anyway, than I averaged before FLR. Then she had me also massage her butt. I was excited already from the back rub, and getting to do extended touching of her beautiful, round, white, oiled up butt was amazing. I was panting. I had to take great effort not to bite or kiss her.

Eventually, she stopped me and rolled over to take her Magic Wand to herself.   I was told to sit cross-legged beside her and jerk myself while she did that. At one point she asked if I was close to coming. I told her I wasn't, and she said I'd better try harder then. Not too long after, I said that I could come soon. She said, "no you can't" and soon after she brought herself off.

She gave my dick a few brief squeezes and strokes and then said it was time for sleep. I was light headed, steel hard, and throbbing for relief, but I just sighed a bit and settled down. I had thought I might be allowed to come, since I've been coming on Wednesdays and Sundays so far, but wasn't too surprised. She has been saying for a few days that I've been having too many orgasms. I think I will have to be much more submissive if I want to get off very often. Needless to say, I'm very motivated today and expect to get a lot accomplished.

I'm a lucky man.

Sunday Night Revelations

All things wife led are going along pretty steady and easy. I'm cleaning things. She's making the kinds of little decisions we might have made together. For example, she's picked our Halloween costumes and just left me the job of finding the parts to make them. I guess this is more or less what I'd assumed things would be like outside the bedroom. Inside the bedroom, however, things are going a bit differently than I'd expected.

For one thing, we've been fooling around much more than we used to. For another, MissusB's new favorite thing to do seems to be edging me and taunting me the whole time. I imagined that I'd be rubbing her, licking her, and otherwise doing everything she or I could think of to please her, but so far most of our sexy times has been her doing one thing after another that drives me wild. She tells me to imagine my come spraying all over her tits or her pussy, but then assures me that I won't be doing that. She tells me how much she wants to see me come, but that even so, I'm not allowed.  Please don't think I'm complaining! I'm not! It has been amazing. The other thing I hadn't expected is that she's already revealed a few new elements to our sex life. I figured most everything would be out in the open by now, but she's still surprising me.

Friday while she was teasing me, she started to slap my balls when I got to excited. She's never hinted that she might do that. It helped me calm down at the moment. It also added even more excitement to the situation.  She very clearly was in charge.

Then last night, while she was edging me again, she said, "I can't wait until I get to do this with other people watching." I had no idea she wanted that and even less idea that she might be planning it. She says she has plans, though. I still have no idea what those plans might be or what other people she has in mind!

I wonder where else this will lead that I didn't imagine, but I am very glad that she is doing things her way.

Two Bottles of Wine

MissusB and I shared a couple bottles of wine Friday night after the baby went to sleep.

Now, MissusB gives the best blowjobs I've ever had. She's also the best vaginal sex I've ever had. But when it comes to handjobs, the difference between her and the second best is just ridiculous. She is devastating with her hands.

She edged me for I don't know how long. She sucked me. She jerked me. We fucked. She kept me totally insensible. I practically screamed every time I had to tell her to stop. I begged her. I whimpered. She just taunted me on further. She had me stroke myself so she could watch while she got herself off with her Magic Wand.

After all of that, we went off to bed with me still hard and yearning. It was so fantastic, I could barely believe it. She was asleep in no time. I barely slept all night, but my sleepless thoughts worth staying awake for.

A Date

Yesterday was a special occasion for MissusB and me, so we asked a friend to watch the baby while we went on a date.  It was a very subdued date. We went to a movie and came right home. But it was also thrilling and wonderful.

To start with, while she was getting dressed, MissusB had me fasten her corset for her. I guess I remember her having one, but I don't remember the last time she wore it. So, I stood behind her and did up a long series of hooks. She hadn't put any other underwear on at this point, so it was very exciting to be standing just behind her bare bottom. Once I'd finished that, she sent me away while she finished dressing.

She came out in a very sexy, sheer, close fitting, low-cut dress. Off we went. As she was parking the car, she almost always drives us whenever we go out in a car together, she asked if I'd noticed that she still wasn't wearing any panties. I hadn't, but I definitely took notice then. As we were walking to the theater, she gave me permission to touch her butt, which felt fantastic naked through her silky dress. I put my hand on the inside of her bare thigh for most of the movie and thrilled at being just inches from her bare pussy. When we'd got back into the car after, she pulled her dress up and gave me a peek. I reached over and pet her gently for a few moments while she sighed until she stopped me and pulled her dress back down and we set off for home.

The baby went to sleep just after we got back. MissusB told me to go take off my clothes and wait for her on the bed. She came in with a scotch for us to share. While I had a drink, she first hiked her dress up over her hips, then bent at the waist. After she stood up, she slowly pulled her dress over her head. She came over to the bed to have me unhook her corset. I had been incredibly turned on for some time by then. MissusB had me lay on my back and climbed on top of me. She pressed her amazing tits into my face for a minute before lowering her pussy down onto my cock. I was overwhelmed and gasped out a "thank you" and she told me right away to slow down and not to thrust.

She rode me very slowly and gently for a moment, then reached over and grabbed her vibrator. She pressed it down between us against her clit. She stayed mostly still there on top of me while she vibed herself. She had me pinching her nipples the whole time. Since she's still breastfeeding, I ended up sprayed with milk for a lot of the time. When she was about to come, she rolled off onto her back and let me lay straining  next to her while she and the vibe went the rest of the way.

After her orgasm, she asked if I wanted to fuck her. I said yes, very much and she gave me permission. I don't remember when I felt her so wet. Before long she gave me permission to come, though I hadn't asked. I could have held off some while longer. She started to pinch my nipples, though, which has long been a signal of ours that she wants to make me come right now. It was not hard to come almost immediately and I don't know if I've ever ejaculated so much at one time before.

Afterwards, she assured me that she'd been very generous just because of the special occasion and that I'd better be prepared to savor the feeling of that orgasm as it would be while before I had another. I asked if she had a schedule and she said, "not that I'm going to tell you about." We snuggled and talked about various things on our minds and finally went off to sleep.

I'm a very lucky man.

Officially On Again

MissusB and I talked again last night and assured ourselves and each other that we are ready for the risks. We think we can avoid the mistakes we made last time and we're both excited. So we decided to start again right away. My wife is a manager at work and is excited both about making me more productive by properly managing me and about having someone to manage who she respects as much as me and who will follow as eagerly as I will.

Right away she changed the rules from last time. I am no longer allowed to touch myself. Last time I was just not allowed to orgasm, but now I am not allowed to even masturbate then stop short of coming. I was surprised, and she didn't explain her reasoning at all, but that's her right.

She also assigned me a big task. She had previously mentioned that she thought I should undertake a particular web project, but I didn't take it up. Now she has ordered me to do it. I will start today by coming up with a plan and proposing a schedule. She said "I'm going to work you so hard." I'm intimidated, but I trust her completely and am sure she can get the best out of me.

Then we went to bed. She is still not feeling all that well. She asked me to pet her butt to help soothe her to sleep. I did that for some time and was very excited. Then, I guess she'd been excited by all the petting and reached over and picked up her vibrator. Now, when we weren't in a FLR, she once reached over and started to get herself off like that and it bothered me and hurt me that she didn't think to involve me at all even though I was in bed right next to her. Now it felt great. It just turned me on even more to know that she was getting the pleasure.  I stroked her arm gently while she was buzzing herself. When she came, she kissed me and said good night.

It took me a long time to fall asleep, but I was happy the whole time. She asked this morning if she'd been too mean, and I couldn't answer quickly enough that she'd been wonderfully kind. Before she left for work, she gave me a list of chores and errands for a the day and I'm excited to get to them.

Try Again?

Hello again.

MissusB had been hinting around for a week or two about wanting to start FLR again. She asked for a footrub yesterday. It was the first one she's had since we stopped FLR in June. I didn't jump at her hints. I have been nervous since it put a lot of strain on us last time. She kept mentioning it, sort of off hand, though. Finally, yesterday I asked her if we should talk about it and we did.

She wants to be in charge because she wants things done just how she wants them done. She doesn't want to have to negotiate with me to get them done. She wants to be able to decide and then have me step up and do the work. There are sexual things that she isn't into, and that she felt pressure about. She mentioned queening, but I got the feeling there were others. I didn't feel like I was pressing, but I guess I was. She says the main sexual thing she wants is the orgasm control, which is the main thing for me, too.

She still blames herself some for it not working out before, because she didn't really 'understand her role'. Now she feels like she gets that it is about her getting her way and she shouldn't worry about being sure to meet any agenda of mine. She said part of the problem before was that it wasn't her idea. This time it is.

We aren't starting again just yet, though. She's been dealing with some health problems and that has mostly eliminated our sex life for right now anyway. She wants to keep talking about concerns we have and take some time to think it over. I think that is a great idea. I had intended to be very cautious if this ever came up again and I am trying to be, but of course I'm also very excited. I've stopped masturbating and have started feeling more motivated around the house already.

I am also going to go ahead and embrace just what a huge turn on and thrill this is for me, so I've started another blog for pictures I find and captions I make. I haven't mentioned it to MissusB yet. I will soon, so I apologize if it goes away in a hurry. There's only one post right now, but I have others nearly ready. 1050 Words

Moving on.

Just a few weeks after we started, my wife decided that FLR wasn't working well for us. She was still somewhat upset that I'd kept a secret. We had some communication stuff to get back in shape and she felt that we were further apart than we used to be. I had to agree. I still had hope at that point that we could make it work, but she wasn't interested in putting much more effort in or holding our relationship at risk any longer and so we let it drop.

She's mentioned once or twice since then that she misses some parts, but I haven't pursued it. It is still a fantasy for me, but I'm happy with our 50/50. If she ever brings it up seriously, I'd be willing to have a long, cautious conversation about it. I'm not waiting for that, though. I'm just enjoying what we have now.

Best wishes to everyone.

Pleasant

What can I say about this weekend? It was great. We did a ton of wonderful things with the baby and enjoyed the weather. I barely cleaned a thing all weekend, which leaves me busy today.

We had some fantastic sex on Friday night. MissusB was very much in the lead. We started and finished totally focused on her pleasure. In the middle she let me spend some time working on self control. Of course she was getting soundly fucked during that time, so while it was a kindness on her part, it didn't have to be a sacrifice.

We showered together. I waxed her thighs. During the waxing, she decided I needed to feel how waxing felt in order to do a better job, so she waxed a small strip on my forearm. It didn't hurt as much as I thought it would and it was a little exciting just for being a bit exotic. She's been turning down full on foot rubs with oil, but still expecting/allowing me to rub her feet and lower legs for quite a while each evening. We got the glass replacement for the smelly rubber dildo, but she hasn't elected to use it on me yet. MissusB also told me to stop shaving my cock and balls, but to keep it "manscaped".

All these things felt perfectly natural and comfortable to us both, I'm sure.  We did talk a little about how the WLM is going so far. She is concerned that I'm getting, in her words, "the Walmart version of WLM." She feels stressed by work and doesn't want to shortchange me. At the same time, she feels like she doesn't have the energy for a 'scene' all the time. I probably said too little, but I tried to reassure her that it isn't supposed to be any kind of burden on her, so she shouldn't feel pressure. I also let her know that she might be surprised by how effective little things are. She agreed and said she'd noticed how pleased I can be by just tiny acknowledement of leadership on her part. It made me think of this post from whatevershesays about a similar conversation with his wife. I am planning to show it MissusB, but haven't had a chance yet.

I have been feeling a little of the novelty wear off of this idea. I had half hoped that the sexual tease and denial would keep me keyed up enough that it wouldn't get at all stale, but I can't say I'm surprised that reality is less sparkly and shiny than a fantasy. It seems like I still have some work to do in adjusting myself to a reality where my wife comes first in my thoughts and in my moment to moment daily activities. I am keeping my mind open about whether WLM is a workable reality for us  and so far, I'm convinced it is. There are some new routines to develop and some different lights to cast on some old ones. There's a chance for us both to grow and to grow together.

Too much and not enough

I haven't posted since Thursday. No big wlm related stuff has happened since then, not one thing worth writing a post about. MissusB hasn't let me worship her ass. She hasn't used the new dildo we got, in fact she made me throw it away because it has a bad chemical odor. She hasn't pushed me to do more or better housework. Nothing major has happened.

However, so many little things have happened that there is no chance that I'll remember them all in one sitting. We made love on Saturday morning. "The usual" seems to be evolving into her getting off with the magic wand and then us making love until I come inside her. Sex feels so much more intense than it did before. I still think about asking her if I can lick her after, but am bashful and then change my mind after my orgasm. I'm still looking forward to a chance to get practice holding my orgasm back longer and for a chance to have intercourse but not be allowed to come at all. I'm not in a big hurry for these things and I try to remember that it is more important that she gets what she's looking forward to, but they hover around.

Later in the day Saturday, she asked how I'd been while I was waiting a full week to orgasm. I said I'd been fine. That's true. I think I lost some energy near the end, but I also think I can do better if I keep trying. Then she asked if I think I could go longer and gave me a wicked smile. That had a predictable effect.

We got some new foot scrub stuff which I got to try out yesterday and we both really like it. I also scrubbed her feet with a pumice stone durig her bath last nght. She said "It seems like we will be able to tell how good of a sub you are based on how soft my feet are." We talked about whether 'sub' is a word we want to use. I don't mind it, but I don't think she's crazy about it. I proposed 'devoted', which I like just as well. She also let me give her a footrub while we had friends over. It was pretty casual, I think, since we'd been walking all day.

This morning, I admitted that I fantasize every day about asking permission to kiss her butt after she gets out of the shower every morning, but I'm always too shy. She seemed flattered and charmed, but said she didn't have time this morning and left open the possibility of letting me some other morning.

I know there were at least a half dozen other little things she did that thrilled me or made me swell with pride at pleasing her. They are starting to feel just like normal days, which is fantastic, with the only drawback being that I have less to write in here. Today I'm doing all the laundry and giving the house a real cleaning. I think I may be waxing her legs above the knee today and doing more foot care. I'm a lucky man.

Waxing

First off, I should mention that from here on I'll be referring to my wife as MissusB. She picked this name for herself for online use that has to do with FLR.

Ok, last night I waxed MissusB's legs for the first time. It was similar to my expectations. I didn't especially enjoy the process for its own sake, but I was glad to be doing it for her. The unpleasantness was mainly from being unsure of what I was doing and from hurting her. The hurting part is kind of inevitable, but it will take some getting used to. I very much enjoyed rubbing the soothing gel and the oil on after, since those seemed to feel nice for her. This morning, she asked me how her legs felt and let me stroke them a bit. They felt wonderful, of course. 

During the leg waxing, MissusB said, "After this we can do our regular foot rub." That was thrilling to hear. It is a thrill that she's willing to have me serve her. It is also gratifying for me when she show's that she understands I'll do what she says even if she doesn't phrase it as a request or leave me room to decline. So, we did our regular foot rub. While I was rubbing, she signed up for SMTR and poked around a bit and we talked about our impressions of the site. At some point during that web browsing and foot rubbing and conversation, she instructed me to take off all my clothes but my boxers. She further instructed that I am to take a photo of myself in my boxers lying on the bed with no face showing and submit it as my user pic on SMTR.

Oh also, yesterday a toy she'd expressed interest in and that I'd ordered finally arrived. It is the Anal Twist. She asked me if my butt was in a good condition for fucking, and I assured her it was. She dropped that for a while then until about an hour later she said, "You're not getting fucked tonight. I know you were hoping to, but no." 

I replied, "I suspected it wouldn't be so easy and that you were going to make me earn in."

MissusB, "Suspected or hoped?" I admitted it had been hope. So, who knows what she'll have me do to earn the use of the new toy.

As fun and exciting as this has been so far and as hopeful as I am of a great success going forward, I'm still struggling to accept that this is truly fun for MissusB. Last night was a big affirmation of that. It is funny, really, this has been something of a theme in our relationship from the beginning. Each of us sometimes just literally can't believe that we've been so lucky as to find each other. 

Ho Hum

It has been a nice week. Pretty much everything has felt comfortable and great.

My wife has asked that I learn to wax her legs so we can save the money that would go to the salon. I'm excited and a little intimidated. I gave her a few footrubs. We've been able to get the baby to sleep in her crib, so we've been able to snuggle. Oh, and we took a shower together for the first time since I can remember. With no prompting from me, my wife told me to wash the parts I most wanted to wash. That was not part of our showers last time we used to shower together regularly.

We made love Saturday morning. After much petting and caressing, she used her Magic Wand and then had me fuck her after she had been well pleased that way. I'm still working on self control during regular sex. She was enjoying herself, but didn't seem to have much patience for my attempts to slow myself down and encouraged me finish fairly quickly. Then we just lay for a little while and she held me.

We have houseguests again, so D/s interactions haven't been very overt or frequent. She did mention openly at one point that I'd been talking back a lot, which I had. It could have been played off as a joke, and I replied with a sincere apology and a promise to try harder, which may have seemed as my going along with the joke. In any case, I don't think it came across as anything odd to our guests and it was a good reminder that I need to be careful to follow her even when we're around other people.

Today, I'm back hard at work cleaning and homemaking.  

It's happening.

My wife and I had a nice conversation last night about expectations. I told her what I had come up with for my homework (see yesterday's post) and she liked it and agreed with everything. I don't think she realized how much teasing and denial I am up for. I tried to clarify. I'm confident she understood, as I'll explain later.

There weren't a lot things she doesn't want that she wanted me to be sure I knew about. She wanted to be sure I would not be afraid to tell her if I thought she was making a mistake about something. I had no intention of depriving her of my thoughts and opinions, so that was fine. She wanted to be sure that we don't do anything that is unnatural to our relationship in pursuit of this. She couldn't be very clear, but seemed to mean that we need to be sure that what we do is stuff we like for its own sake, not because it fits FLR. Then she made me promise to take some time for myself everyday. Then she said, giddily, "I think I am going to have some fun with this."

I feel like we were right in sync. Afterward, I gave her a footrub while we watched a little tv and we went to bed. Our pillow talk was sweet and tender. At one point, though, I asked if there was anything she wanted to change around the house now that she's in charge and she said no. Then she said, "actually, I want you to ask more often for me to fuck your ass." Of course, I agreed and asked right then. She declined and said it wouldn't happen whenever I asked, but that she wants it more. She also said she wants to try stimulating my prostate again. I told her we could do that anytime she'd like.

At this point I was incredibly turned on and she was getting there, too. She asked me to hold her vibrator for her. I hopped to and grabbed it and held it in the spot she likes. Then I pressed myself against her side and stroked her while she moaned and bucked her hips into the vibe. It was a wonderful experience to share with her. After she'd come twice, she switched the toy off. I climbed on top of her, but didn't make any move to enter her. I just kissed and stroked her. She responded by telling me to calm down, and said "not tonight, we need to get some sleep." Then she rolled over and was asleep in a minute.

Needless to say, I was awake a bit longer revelling in the moment and leaking precum all over my belly. Every time I managed to calm down, I'd remember what had just happened and how easy it had seemed for her and how wonderful it felt and I'd be hard all over again. I did eventually get to sleep, though.

When we woke up, she asked me how I felt, in a clear allusion to last night. I said I felt great. She was pleased to hear it and we started off our morning as usual.

Just a little chat

Yesterday was a busy day. My wife and I were both up late Sunday night travelling, so were very tired during the brief time we had together at the end of the day. She did bring up the topic of new relationship terms. We agreed that we're still generally feeling positive about it. I wasn't able to come up with a summary of my expectations and she wasn't either. We both were kind of reticent, I think. She made a good point, which is that it is kind of impractical to expect to be able to lay out all the expectations at the beginning. She is more interested in making sure that we are generally in sync about what we envision. So, her strategy is that we'll have a conversation about what we don't want and hopefully that will spur a conversation about expectations in general. She gave me homework. I am supposed to come up with three things I don't want. One each of sexual, emotional, and intellectual things.

I don't think she's reading this, so here goes. If she is, then we get a head start on that conversation.

Sexually, the thing I don't want is pain. That's pretty easy. I mean, we have played with spanking and biting and enjoyed both, but in a playful way, not really painful. I could imagine if she really wanted to do something painful to me, I could enjoy enduring it to please her.  I am hoping that never happens, though, and I'm not going to hesitate to say so. (What I do want is tease and denial.)

Emotionally, the thing I don't want is humiliation. I don't want her to degrade me or mock me. I love her and while I don't base my self esteem on her, I respect her opinion and she knows me better than anyone else does, so if she said I was a worm, it would injure me and not be fun in any way. Now, embarassment is ok. Teasing is ok. I could see being in some store somewhere having her haughtily order me to do this or that and getting a thrill from that embarassment. There is nothing really demeaning there. I love her, and I'm happy to do thing for her. (What I do want is to feel valued.)

Intellectually, I don't know. I guess the closest I can think of is sort of practicality. I mean, I don't want her to actually schedule my day for me and micromanage me. I can take specific task requests and fit them in, but she doesn't need to tell me which day to do laundry or mop or shop unless she has some specific need that I wouldn't know about. This is basically how things already are. Besides, with a baby home full time, there's only one person who get's to say exactly when any particular thing will happen and that person is only two feet tall. (What I do want is feedback and guidance.)

 I asked that we try to fit in a conversation tonight, so hopefully that can happen. I hope what I'm thinking lines up more or less with what she has in mind and I am looking forward to hearing what she has to say.

Revelation

Well, I accidentally (I swear!) left a browser window with this blog and shemakestherules.com open yesterday during the day. My wife found them.  She read everything I've written here and saw enough of smtr to see that I've been a member since January and have been writing in the forums there.

Then we had a bottle of wine and a conversation much too long to recount here. Basically, she's the best wife ever. We're not going to talk about it this weekend while she has a chance to digest a little. She's also asked that for the weekend I stop solicitous my behavior.  We'll talk again and maybe make a new, open start at wlm next week. She seems much more interested now that she understands more and acknowledged that our relationship seems already well suited to this.

Oh and I apoligized for being dishonest in hiding this from her and for being too scared to be open about it and she accepted. She also apologized for being harsh a few times lately, and explained that my 'acting weird' was stressing her out. I love her and I'm a very lucky man.

Almost nothing.

I have been feeling like I am doing poorly as being slow. So yesterday I was not planning on doing anything at all that would highlight WLM with my wife. We went to a gathering of some friends until pretty late and then when we got home, I assumed we'd go right to bed.  She wanted to stay up and look at the internet for a while to wind down, so I did offer her a foot rub, which she declined. Then we went to bed.

We put the baby to sleep in her crib, which is very rare.  I commented that I hoped we'd get to snuggle some before sleep since we've had so little chance lately. She was happy to and even suggested that we could fall asleep snuggled together. I can't even remember the last time we got to do that. So we ended up spooning with me in the back and I mentioned that it reminded me of when we first started dating. It was a wonderful feeling. Unfortunately, she replied by saying, "You've been melancholy and moony lately. Have I been neglecting you?"

I tried to explain that I wasn't feeling melancholy and was in fact very happy. She said she felt like I was just laying there waiting for something and watching her. She just wanted to go to sleep. I got defensive. I said, truthfully, I wasn't waiting and that I was just trying to get to sleep.

Then she said that she realized she is kind of freaked out by me wanting her to be dominant. I never said I want her to be dominant, but I know what she means. She wants a partner who is an equal. I assured her that I think I am her equal. Then she said she was tired and didn't want to talk about it right then and we went to sleep. Oh and she said several times, grumpily, that she is PMSing.

Tonight is our usual date night and I imagine we'll have a conversation about things. I still feel like she has been in the lead all along and belongs there. I love doing things for her and just seeing her happy is a great reward for me. I hope she can come to understand that more and accept and ask for more. But, most of all, I just want her to feel comfortable and happy in our relationship. I hope I can say that all  plainly. I love her so much.

An Accident

I was reading some erotica online yesterday during the day and found myself too excited. I waited very still and it didn't subside and I failed to reel myself back in, so I had an unauthorized orgasm. I told my wife about it last night and she said, "What are we going to have you do to make it up to me?" and then dropped it until bedtime.

Once we were in bed, she told me to tell her all about what had happened. I told her I had been looking at porn and masturbating and that it had gotten away from me. At that point she said, "Show me." Meaning she wanted to watch me stroke myself. I complied, of course.

Then she asked what kind of porn it was. I hesitantly admitted that, ironically, I was reading a story about a man whose girlfriend wouldn't let him orgasm. She asked how I found it and how I decide what porn to look at. I told her it varies and that this time I found it when I was looking at blogs about submissive men and their dominant wives. I swear I was meaning to go slow with this, but I couldn't lie. I was still stroking myself throughout this conversation while she watched from her side of the bed and interogated me.

While I was still stroking, she said that we need to come up with a way for me to communicate with her during the workday if I make a mistake like this again. I said I didn't want it to happen again. She said she didn't want me to stop masturbating during the day and that sometimes boys make mistakes but she just didn't want it to happen very often. So, now I can send her an IM and tell her that I've spilled something and she'll know what I mean.

About that point, she reached over and started rubbing and stroking my cock along with me. We stroked together until I was near orgasm and I told her I was going to come. She said, "Yes you are" so I stopped holding back and came all over my belly. She said, "You may get a towel." and had me dry off her hand. Then she used her Magic Wand and brought herself off while I stroked and kissed her body.

We talked a bit more after that, but she was ready to go to sleep. She asked if I was really getting into this D/s thing. I admitted that I am thinking about it a lot and trying to figure out how it much of it could work and how much would be to much play acting. She did say again, "I don't want to be very dominant." and I just replied, "okay." I wish I'd said more. I don't want her to be more dominant than she wants to be. I also don't want her to be abusive or too aloof. I just want her to lead and to let me treat her like I did when I was wooing her.  I love her so much. 

She didn't forget

I was afraid that after talking to my wife on Monday, she'd just go back to same old same old and that it wouldn't make an impression. Last night she showed me in several little ways that I needn't be afraid.

She let me know via IM that she was having a rough day, so I offered to help getting dinner ready even though she normally likes to do that. I thought it would just be nicer for her to come home and have one less thing to worry about. She took me up on it and I was able to have dinner ready and a glass of wine poured when she got home. She said she was grateful and even suggested that she may be letting me make dinner more in the future.

Then while we were sipping wine after eating and talking about her day at the office and the baby's day, I got up and walked over behind her and started massaging her shoulders. After a groan of pleasure, she said to the baby, "You should definitely grow up to be a career woman, little girl. It is the life."

After dinner, while we watched a little TV I massaged her feet which we both love and hadn't been able to do for week while we had a houseguest. Then she said she wanted a bath. I hopped up and ran one for her and put the baby down to sleep, which was mercifully easy. She was a little drunk and was just enjoying a hot, tipsy soak. I say at the side of the bath and stroked and rubbed her calves and thighs.

It wasn't much, but it was wonderful. If she liked it as well as I did, and I think she did, I'd be glad to do that five nights a week. I love her so much.

A Present

Yesterday was one of the anniversaries my wife and I celebrate and we had a guest staying with us, so we left the baby at home and went on a dinner date. This is the second dinner we've had together without the baby since she was born eight months ago. That's mostly because I'm hesitant to leave her, but still it was a special treat.

We shared a pitcher of margaritas and talked a lot about how happy we are with our lives and our family and how much we love each other. On our way home, I saw a little opening and mentioned that I've been trying to tell her for more than a month that it is getting more important for me to have her acknowledge that she's the leader in our relationship. She had noticed, of course. She said she'd been resisting because she is afraid that if we do that, then if it stops working well, it may be hard to transition to some other method of relating. She's been afraid that if we go this route and it doesn't work, we could get confused and interpret that as our marriage not working. She asked me to promise that we can reevaluate and hold open the possibility of moving away from having her as leader. I agreed, of course.

That's about it. I did follow up with, "And it's sexy." She told me to say that again, I did, and that was about the end of the conversation. Also, though normally on our anniveraries, and especially after lots of romantic relationship talk, we'd make love, as we went to bed my wife said firmly, "You're not getting any tonight." So my wife is now the acknowledged head of our marriage. I"m thrilled. 

Even so I am afraid that I'm moving too fast, so I'm going to try try try to go slow and enjoy what we've got now. Our houseguest left today, so I will get to give her a foot rub tonight at least. Other than that, I'm just going to clean the house like crazy and try to make her as happy as I can.  Now I'd better get to cleaning. I love her so much.

Slowing down more

My wife and I had a nice weekend. Completely vanilla, but nice. I gave her a footrub on Friday night and managed to very casually let her know that I'll give her one whenever she wants. She accepted that pretty easily. Actually, she said, "Well whenever it's practical. Not when someone else is here." Which I agreed to of course. It was nice to see that she seemed to get that I really meant whenever she felt like it. 

We made love a couple times on Saturday and it was sweet and left me feeling incredibly relaxed and sated. I also got to massage her some and spent a while not rubbing but just stroking her skin. When we first were dating, I'd spend hours at that, so it brought back a lot of romantic feelings of adoration.

We have a houseguest coming tomorrow and staying for a week, so I expect that will keep everything at this very slow pace for the time being.  I still feel good about how this going and am very hopeful that it can grow and enrich our marriage for us both.

Slowing down a little

Nothing much relevant to report yesterday.  I guess, except that my wife did my far the biggest workout she's done since the baby was born and I practically begged her to let me massage her sore muscles and she chose to take a hot bath instead. She did let me rub her feet for a while while she chatted on the phone. I guess, it is also kind of interesting that this is the first weekend since I can remember that we didn't have any sex at all. I'm not sure what's up with that, though I didn't ever suggest sex, just offered her attention.

Today, I am feeling very horny again. I haven't come since Thursday, which I know isn't long for people who have been at this a while, but I'm straining a bit already probably because I'm used to going into the week with some of the tension relieved. So, I asked my wife if I could take care of myself. She said that I could and kind of offered it as a consolation because I'm having a rough day today. The baby and I are both sick. I just stopped here to write this first and now I'm going to go take care of that.

I didn't sleep too well.

I guess I am more invested in this idea than I had thought. I barely slept last night because I was stuck pondering possibilities. I am still pretty hopeful. I am even considering calling my wife's mom and talking to her about it. Her parents had a very strongly wife led marriage and were totally in love right up until her mother died, and until today really, he still misses her. It would be a bit awkward conversation, though, of course.

Then, when my wife wakes up this morning she says, "I've made a decision about the cat," and proceeds to lay out a scheme of segregating our two cats that will make my days quite a bit more complicated and bring a catbox into our bedroom. She didn't ask my opinion. She just announced that she made a decision. I offered some suggestions to make it work as well as it can, but I didn't act at all like I needed to approve her decision.  This is the kind of thing that I hope she will recognize and understand that we don't need to transition to an FLR as much as we need to start treating things as they really are. I love her so much.

hrm.

Well, I gave my wife a pedicure tonight. She was pretty bossy throughout and she seemed very grateful. I was a little less excited by it than I thought I'd be, but I was excited and I was glad to do it for her.

When we went to bed she mentioned that she'd looked up online about men giving their wives pedicures and found it was a 'mild kink' and that it was sort of D/s. She also mentioned noticing the D/s theme over the last few days. Then she went into an explanation about why she'd only want something like that to be a small occasional part of her life instead of a main theme. I acknowledged her ideas and mostly remained quiet and passive. Then the baby needed help falling asleep and I did that. When that was all over, my wife was asleep.

I laid in bed listening to her snore and trying to figure out how I feel and where to go from here and touching myself as I got hard and soft again a few times. Also I shaved my cock and balls today for the first time in a long time, so I was just enjoying that feeling.

I think that I'll just keep submitting for now and see how it goes. Her main issue was about equality and that it would be a kind of act. Both are valid points in their own way. I'm confident that we'll continute to have a fantastic marriage one way or another.

And onward

Wow. I am starting to think this really might happen and work out, though I'm still scared. As you read this account remember, I'm pretty much still in stealth mode. My wife hasn't openly taken command of me. I expected that yesterday would pass without much happening as far as FLR except me doing lots of housework and trying to fulfill her every desire.

Last night my wife took a bath and I was sitting next to the bath on the floor of the bathroom talking to her. She had one foot up on the edge of the tub, so I took hold of it and started rubbing it. It was pretty well calloused. She mentioned that there is a pumice stone, so I spent about fifteen minutes rubbing and scrubbing her feet. During that, she mentioned that she doesn't take great care of her feet and that she still has polish on from her last professional pedicure months ago. I couldn't pass up the chance and told her that I could give her a pedicure for our date night tonight. At first she said, "Are you kidding?" but it was as much excited as surprised. I told her I wasn't and the disbelief vanished instantly and was replaced with praise. So I get to give her a pedicure for the first time tonight! I was just crazy with excitement as I continued her foot scrub.

Then after she got out of the bath, she was very hot so she was splayed on our bed naked cooling off. She called out at some point, "I'm so hot, come here and fan me." No "please" or anything, so I came right in and fanned her for a while until she said I could stop. As soon as I was done fanning it ran and grabbed her some ice water. Right after that, she told me to do something else. I wish I could remember what it was. It was something small and practical and I did it immediately and came back to sit with her on the bed. I said with a big grin, "You're kind of bossy tonight." 

Wife: "Well you're kind of asking for it, aren't you?"

Me: "I guess I am."

At this point it was pretty clear she was a little excited.

Wife: "Did you masturbate today?"

Me: "Well. Not to orgasm."

Wife: "Masturbation and orgasm are two differnt things. Did you masturbate today?"

Me: "Yes."

Wife: "Did you regret agreeing not to orgasm without my permission."

Me (smiling): "No I didn't."

Wife: "Did you look at porn?"
Me: "Well, I looked at some cartoon porn."

Wife: "What was it of?"

Me: "It was some women sitting on some men's faces making them lick their backsides."

Wife: "Do you like that kind of thing?"
Me: "It is nice to think about sometimes."

Wife: "Go get the vibrator and use it on me."

Of course I jumped up as fast as I could!

I held the Magic Wand against her in the way she likes and sat docilely on the edge of the bed rubbing her thighs while she thrust her hips against the vibe. Eventually she started describing a fantasy where she had a great big dick and I was giving her a handjob. After a pretty short time, she took the vibrator from my hand and quickly finished herself off panting. I sat patiently and told her how hot that had been. 

I didn't make any move to touch her further or take my clothes off. Soon she told me to take off my clothes and come to her. As I started to slide into her, she said she was very hot and wet and I could feel that she was especially slippery. I asked if I could taste it. She said I should fuck her to another orgasm first. That happened quickly and she said I could taste. I licked and sucked her for a little but she said it was too much and wanted me back inside.

We made love in missionary position for a little while and I was thinking about eating her pussy once I came and I got very excited and told her I was going to come. She said "ok", very sweetly and I had the best orgasm I can remember then snuggled panting against her shoulder. I was thrilled that I still felt incredibly submissive even after the fantastic release.

Afterward, I lay next to her stroking her skin for a while as we talked. I said some things about how much I enjoyed her telling me what to do and that she could anytime. She said that she only wants to when it is sexy or when I'm doing something wrong. I let it go there in hopes that continued submission will help her feel more comfortable. I love her so much.

Moving right along.

Ok, even though I feel like I still haven't had a fully open conversation with my wife about FLR, things are moving right along.

This afternoon I mentioned to her that I'd been planning to rearrange our pantry but that I'd masturbated and lost my motivation. Then we had the following conversation:

Wife: "Maybe I should make a rule that you can only masturbate a couple times per week."

Me: "I didn't know we had rules like that."

Wife :"This would be the flagship."

Me: "Well I'd definitely consent."

Wife: "No, I think you are doing fine managin yourself."

Me: "I have to say I dick got a little hard when you talked about making a rule that I couldn't masturbate."  

She smiled, but didn't comment. She's feeling sick, so she went to lay down in bed. I got her laptop for her and some tea and tissues. I had to rearrange some electric plugs to get the laptop plugged in, but I mentioned that her vibrator was still plugged in if she needed it.

Wife: "Did you dick get a little hard from saying that, too?"

Me: "No actually, it is still hard from before. It wasn't just a little hard, it was fully hard."

Wife in a serious tone: "Are you trying to tell me something?"

Me: "My dick gets hard when you talk about not allowing me to masturbate. It isn't the first time I've thought about it."

Wife still serious: "Oh really?"

Me: "Yeah, it is like we talked about before."(When I told her that I would only orgasm with her as an experiment.)

Wife: "Ok, then, maybe we could do a one for one, where you only get to have an orgasm if I do. No, that's no good. Ok, so you won't masturbate without my permission."

Me: "You can have all the orgasms you want."

Then I had to leave to run some errands. I leaned in to kiss her goodbye.

Me: "Ok, I'm going. God, I am incredibly horny."

Wife: "I'd give you permission to jerk off now, but you already did once today."

I can't believe how naturally this is happening.

 

Adjusting

One thing that I have always done in my marriage is to discourage my wife from spending money. My last wife was a terrible shopping addict so I am kind of hung up about it.

Just now my wife asked if she could buy a pair of sandals that cost $110, which seems like a fortune for sandals, but I just said that I think they look great (which they do) and so she got them.

Starting

I'm just starting this as a place to hold some thoughts about Female Led Relationships. I think that I want to evolve my marriage into one that is strongly and explicity wife led.

I've talked to my wife about it a little. Mostly I have said that I want to make her happy and that I think she is wonderful and deserves everything she wants. I do all the housework and try to offer her massages and generally try to serve her in any way I can think of.

Today I managed to get up some courage and worked into conversation that I consider her the leader of our 'team'. She seemed really gratified to hear it. I hope I can reinforce the idea more over the coming weeks and months and years.

There are a lot of reasons that this feels like the right thing for me.

I have always sort of viewed my life through a lens of my girlfriend or wife. So it is natural that when she is happy, I am happy.

I noticed recently, though it is no big revelation, that when I go without sexual release for a little while, I became quite eager to please my wife. It rapidly goes beyond what I would do just in hopes of getting off. I quickly get to a point where I just want to feel her happiness and whether I am left hard and frustrated doesn't matter. In fact, it often seems better if I don't orgasm.

When I first realized this, I kept myself on edge for about a week. The house was never cleaner, my wife had footrubs and massages, things were great. I was giddy when she got home from work. Just sitting next to her on the couch was thrilling. All this even though I knew I was probably not getting any sex until the weekend because that's just how our life has worked out since we had a baby. It was a wonderful week.

Then the weekend came and I gave her a full body massage and she wanted sex afterward. I wanted it to, believe me. And it was fantastic. I had an enormous orgasm and felt like I'd never ejaculated more. Then I got hard again soon after and we ended up going three times. Well, Monday came and I was lazy and kind of doubted myself. Same thing on Tuesday. Wednesday I got a little horny and didn't manage to resist masturbating so I just stayed off track.

That was a couple months ago and I'm just now getting back to where I can feel it again. I have been more submissive in the intervening times and have been masturbating much less in general. Well, I shouldn't say masturbating less, just orgasming less.

During my first week playing with this idea, I was touching myself a lot. I also looked at lots of porn to try to escalate my feeling of arousal and desperation. I'm still experimenting with that to see how it affects things.

Anyway, you're welcome to read this or email me or chat, but mainly I just need to get these thoughts down somewhere.