Tuesday, March 31, 2009

A Present

Yesterday was one of the anniversaries my wife and I celebrate and we had a guest staying with us, so we left the baby at home and went on a dinner date. This is the second dinner we've had together without the baby since she was born eight months ago. That's mostly because I'm hesitant to leave her, but still it was a special treat.

We shared a pitcher of margaritas and talked a lot about how happy we are with our lives and our family and how much we love each other. On our way home, I saw a little opening and mentioned that I've been trying to tell her for more than a month that it is getting more important for me to have her acknowledge that she's the leader in our relationship. She had noticed, of course. She said she'd been resisting because she is afraid that if we do that, then if it stops working well, it may be hard to transition to some other method of relating. She's been afraid that if we go this route and it doesn't work, we could get confused and interpret that as our marriage not working. She asked me to promise that we can reevaluate and hold open the possibility of moving away from having her as leader. I agreed, of course.

That's about it. I did follow up with, "And it's sexy." She told me to say that again, I did, and that was about the end of the conversation. Also, though normally on our anniveraries, and especially after lots of romantic relationship talk, we'd make love, as we went to bed my wife said firmly, "You're not getting any tonight." So my wife is now the acknowledged head of our marriage. I"m thrilled. 

Even so I am afraid that I'm moving too fast, so I'm going to try try try to go slow and enjoy what we've got now. Our houseguest left today, so I will get to give her a foot rub tonight at least. Other than that, I'm just going to clean the house like crazy and try to make her as happy as I can.  Now I'd better get to cleaning. I love her so much.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Slowing down more

My wife and I had a nice weekend. Completely vanilla, but nice. I gave her a footrub on Friday night and managed to very casually let her know that I'll give her one whenever she wants. She accepted that pretty easily. Actually, she said, "Well whenever it's practical. Not when someone else is here." Which I agreed to of course. It was nice to see that she seemed to get that I really meant whenever she felt like it. 

We made love a couple times on Saturday and it was sweet and left me feeling incredibly relaxed and sated. I also got to massage her some and spent a while not rubbing but just stroking her skin. When we first were dating, I'd spend hours at that, so it brought back a lot of romantic feelings of adoration.

We have a houseguest coming tomorrow and staying for a week, so I expect that will keep everything at this very slow pace for the time being.  I still feel good about how this going and am very hopeful that it can grow and enrich our marriage for us both.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Slowing down a little

Nothing much relevant to report yesterday.  I guess, except that my wife did my far the biggest workout she's done since the baby was born and I practically begged her to let me massage her sore muscles and she chose to take a hot bath instead. She did let me rub her feet for a while while she chatted on the phone. I guess, it is also kind of interesting that this is the first weekend since I can remember that we didn't have any sex at all. I'm not sure what's up with that, though I didn't ever suggest sex, just offered her attention.

Today, I am feeling very horny again. I haven't come since Thursday, which I know isn't long for people who have been at this a while, but I'm straining a bit already probably because I'm used to going into the week with some of the tension relieved. So, I asked my wife if I could take care of myself. She said that I could and kind of offered it as a consolation because I'm having a rough day today. The baby and I are both sick. I just stopped here to write this first and now I'm going to go take care of that.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

I didn't sleep too well.

I guess I am more invested in this idea than I had thought. I barely slept last night because I was stuck pondering possibilities. I am still pretty hopeful. I am even considering calling my wife's mom and talking to her about it. Her parents had a very strongly wife led marriage and were totally in love right up until her mother died, and until today really, he still misses her. It would be a bit awkward conversation, though, of course.

Then, when my wife wakes up this morning she says, "I've made a decision about the cat," and proceeds to lay out a scheme of segregating our two cats that will make my days quite a bit more complicated and bring a catbox into our bedroom. She didn't ask my opinion. She just announced that she made a decision. I offered some suggestions to make it work as well as it can, but I didn't act at all like I needed to approve her decision.  This is the kind of thing that I hope she will recognize and understand that we don't need to transition to an FLR as much as we need to start treating things as they really are. I love her so much.

Friday, March 13, 2009


Well, I gave my wife a pedicure tonight. She was pretty bossy throughout and she seemed very grateful. I was a little less excited by it than I thought I'd be, but I was excited and I was glad to do it for her.

When we went to bed she mentioned that she'd looked up online about men giving their wives pedicures and found it was a 'mild kink' and that it was sort of D/s. She also mentioned noticing the D/s theme over the last few days. Then she went into an explanation about why she'd only want something like that to be a small occasional part of her life instead of a main theme. I acknowledged her ideas and mostly remained quiet and passive. Then the baby needed help falling asleep and I did that. When that was all over, my wife was asleep.

I laid in bed listening to her snore and trying to figure out how I feel and where to go from here and touching myself as I got hard and soft again a few times. Also I shaved my cock and balls today for the first time in a long time, so I was just enjoying that feeling.

I think that I'll just keep submitting for now and see how it goes. Her main issue was about equality and that it would be a kind of act. Both are valid points in their own way. I'm confident that we'll continute to have a fantastic marriage one way or another.

And onward

Wow. I am starting to think this really might happen and work out, though I'm still scared. As you read this account remember, I'm pretty much still in stealth mode. My wife hasn't openly taken command of me. I expected that yesterday would pass without much happening as far as FLR except me doing lots of housework and trying to fulfill her every desire.

Last night my wife took a bath and I was sitting next to the bath on the floor of the bathroom talking to her. She had one foot up on the edge of the tub, so I took hold of it and started rubbing it. It was pretty well calloused. She mentioned that there is a pumice stone, so I spent about fifteen minutes rubbing and scrubbing her feet. During that, she mentioned that she doesn't take great care of her feet and that she still has polish on from her last professional pedicure months ago. I couldn't pass up the chance and told her that I could give her a pedicure for our date night tonight. At first she said, "Are you kidding?" but it was as much excited as surprised. I told her I wasn't and the disbelief vanished instantly and was replaced with praise. So I get to give her a pedicure for the first time tonight! I was just crazy with excitement as I continued her foot scrub.

Then after she got out of the bath, she was very hot so she was splayed on our bed naked cooling off. She called out at some point, "I'm so hot, come here and fan me." No "please" or anything, so I came right in and fanned her for a while until she said I could stop. As soon as I was done fanning it ran and grabbed her some ice water. Right after that, she told me to do something else. I wish I could remember what it was. It was something small and practical and I did it immediately and came back to sit with her on the bed. I said with a big grin, "You're kind of bossy tonight." 
Wife: "Well you're kind of asking for it, aren't you?"
Me: "I guess I am."
At this point it was pretty clear she was a little excited.
Wife: "Did you masturbate today?"
Me: "Well. Not to orgasm."
Wife: "Masturbation and orgasm are two differnt things. Did you masturbate today?"
Me: "Yes."
Wife: "Did you regret agreeing not to orgasm without my permission."
Me (smiling): "No I didn't."
Wife: "Did you look at porn?"
Me: "Well, I looked at some cartoon porn."
Wife: "What was it of?"
Me: "It was some women sitting on some men's faces making them lick their backsides."
Wife: "Do you like that kind of thing?"
Me: "It is nice to think about sometimes."
Wife: "Go get the vibrator and use it on me."
Of course I jumped up as fast as I could!

I held the Magic Wand against her in the way she likes and sat docilely on the edge of the bed rubbing her thighs while she thrust her hips against the vibe. Eventually she started describing a fantasy where she had a great big dick and I was giving her a handjob. After a pretty short time, she took the vibrator from my hand and quickly finished herself off panting. I sat patiently and told her how hot that had been. 

I didn't make any move to touch her further or take my clothes off. Soon she told me to take off my clothes and come to her. As I started to slide into her, she said she was very hot and wet and I could feel that she was especially slippery. I asked if I could taste it. She said I should fuck her to another orgasm first. That happened quickly and she said I could taste. I licked and sucked her for a little but she said it was too much and wanted me back inside.

We made love in missionary position for a little while and I was thinking about eating her pussy once I came and I got very excited and told her I was going to come. She said "ok", very sweetly and I had the best orgasm I can remember then snuggled panting against her shoulder. I was thrilled that I still felt incredibly submissive even after the fantastic release.

Afterward, I lay next to her stroking her skin for a while as we talked. I said some things about how much I enjoyed her telling me what to do and that she could anytime. She said that she only wants to when it is sexy or when I'm doing something wrong. I let it go there in hopes that continued submission will help her feel more comfortable. I love her so much.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Moving right along.

Ok, even though I feel like I still haven't had a fully open conversation with my wife about FLR, things are moving right along.

This afternoon I mentioned to her that I'd been planning to rearrange our pantry but that I'd masturbated and lost my motivation. Then we had the following conversation:
Wife: "Maybe I should make a rule that you can only masturbate a couple times per week."
Me: "I didn't know we had rules like that."
Wife :"This would be the flagship."
Me: "Well I'd definitely consent."
Wife: "No, I think you are doing fine managin yourself."
Me: "I have to say I dick got a little hard when you talked about making a rule that I couldn't masturbate."  
She smiled, but didn't comment. She's feeling sick, so she went to lay down in bed. I got her laptop for her and some tea and tissues. I had to rearrange some electric plugs to get the laptop plugged in, but I mentioned that her vibrator was still plugged in if she needed it.
Wife: "Did you dick get a little hard from saying that, too?"
Me: "No actually, it is still hard from before. It wasn't just a little hard, it was fully hard."
Wife in a serious tone: "Are you trying to tell me something?"
Me: "My dick gets hard when you talk about not allowing me to masturbate. It isn't the first time I've thought about it."
Wife still serious: "Oh really?"
Me: "Yeah, it is like we talked about before."(When I told her that I would only orgasm with her as an experiment.)
Wife: "Ok, then, maybe we could do a one for one, where you only get to have an orgasm if I do. No, that's no good. Ok, so you won't masturbate without my permission."
Me: "You can have all the orgasms you want."
Then I had to leave to run some errands. I leaned in to kiss her goodbye.
Me: "Ok, I'm going. God, I am incredibly horny."
Wife: "I'd give you permission to jerk off now, but you already did once today."

I can't believe how naturally this is happening.


One thing that I have always done in my marriage is to discourage my wife from spending money. My last wife was a terrible shopping addict so I am kind of hung up about it.

Just now my wife asked if she could buy a pair of sandals that cost $110, which seems like a fortune for sandals, but I just said that I think they look great (which they do) and so she got them.


I'm just starting this as a place to hold some thoughts about Female Led Relationships. I think that I want to evolve my marriage into one that is strongly and explicity wife led.

I've talked to my wife about it a little. Mostly I have said that I want to make her happy and that I think she is wonderful and deserves everything she wants. I do all the housework and try to offer her massages and generally try to serve her in any way I can think of.

Today I managed to get up some courage and worked into conversation that I consider her the leader of our 'team'. She seemed really gratified to hear it. I hope I can reinforce the idea more over the coming weeks and months and years.

There are a lot of reasons that this feels like the right thing for me.

I have always sort of viewed my life through a lens of my girlfriend or wife. So it is natural that when she is happy, I am happy.

I noticed recently, though it is no big revelation, that when I go without sexual release for a little while, I became quite eager to please my wife. It rapidly goes beyond what I would do just in hopes of getting off. I quickly get to a point where I just want to feel her happiness and whether I am left hard and frustrated doesn't matter. In fact, it often seems better if I don't orgasm.

When I first realized this, I kept myself on edge for about a week. The house was never cleaner, my wife had footrubs and massages, things were great. I was giddy when she got home from work. Just sitting next to her on the couch was thrilling. All this even though I knew I was probably not getting any sex until the weekend because that's just how our life has worked out since we had a baby. It was a wonderful week.

Then the weekend came and I gave her a full body massage and she wanted sex afterward. I wanted it to, believe me. And it was fantastic. I had an enormous orgasm and felt like I'd never ejaculated more. Then I got hard again soon after and we ended up going three times. Well, Monday came and I was lazy and kind of doubted myself. Same thing on Tuesday. Wednesday I got a little horny and didn't manage to resist masturbating so I just stayed off track.

That was a couple months ago and I'm just now getting back to where I can feel it again. I have been more submissive in the intervening times and have been masturbating much less in general. Well, I shouldn't say masturbating less, just orgasming less.

During my first week playing with this idea, I was touching myself a lot. I also looked at lots of porn to try to escalate my feeling of arousal and desperation. I'm still experimenting with that to see how it affects things.

Anyway, you're welcome to read this or email me or chat, but mainly I just need to get these thoughts down somewhere.