Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Just a little chat

Yesterday was a busy day. My wife and I were both up late Sunday night travelling, so were very tired during the brief time we had together at the end of the day. She did bring up the topic of new relationship terms. We agreed that we're still generally feeling positive about it. I wasn't able to come up with a summary of my expectations and she wasn't either. We both were kind of reticent, I think. She made a good point, which is that it is kind of impractical to expect to be able to lay out all the expectations at the beginning. She is more interested in making sure that we are generally in sync about what we envision. So, her strategy is that we'll have a conversation about what we don't want and hopefully that will spur a conversation about expectations in general. She gave me homework. I am supposed to come up with three things I don't want. One each of sexual, emotional, and intellectual things.

I don't think she's reading this, so here goes. If she is, then we get a head start on that conversation.

Sexually, the thing I don't want is pain. That's pretty easy. I mean, we have played with spanking and biting and enjoyed both, but in a playful way, not really painful. I could imagine if she really wanted to do something painful to me, I could enjoy enduring it to please her.  I am hoping that never happens, though, and I'm not going to hesitate to say so. (What I do want is tease and denial.)

Emotionally, the thing I don't want is humiliation. I don't want her to degrade me or mock me. I love her and while I don't base my self esteem on her, I respect her opinion and she knows me better than anyone else does, so if she said I was a worm, it would injure me and not be fun in any way. Now, embarassment is ok. Teasing is ok. I could see being in some store somewhere having her haughtily order me to do this or that and getting a thrill from that embarassment. There is nothing really demeaning there. I love her, and I'm happy to do thing for her. (What I do want is to feel valued.)

Intellectually, I don't know. I guess the closest I can think of is sort of practicality. I mean, I don't want her to actually schedule my day for me and micromanage me. I can take specific task requests and fit them in, but she doesn't need to tell me which day to do laundry or mop or shop unless she has some specific need that I wouldn't know about. This is basically how things already are. Besides, with a baby home full time, there's only one person who get's to say exactly when any particular thing will happen and that person is only two feet tall. (What I do want is feedback and guidance.)

 I asked that we try to fit in a conversation tonight, so hopefully that can happen. I hope what I'm thinking lines up more or less with what she has in mind and I am looking forward to hearing what she has to say.


  1. I wonder what she'll come up with for herself.

  2. Humiliation is disconcerting isn't it? Some find it erotic, some don't. I also think that it could be detrimental in the confines of a committed relationship.