Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Is this just sex?

After my last post, subservient-husband asked if getting turned on is where I get my motivation, noting that he gets his from seeing his wife happy.
I'm really glad he asked. So, thanks, s-h. I did have to stop and think about it in order to feel like I could give and honest and complete answer.

I do definitely use sexual tension to help motivate myself. Also, going a week or more between release definitely brings sex into focus and increases the sexual energy I have available to motivate me. The sex also gets a lot of space on this blog because most of other stuff is so much like it has always been since MissusB and I have been together and because it is fun to write about. It is only part of the picture, though.

I think MissusB and I both use sex to help build and express intimacy, so when all sexual contact is missing, we don't feel as close. It is a chicken and egg question, I think. I don't know if not feeling close turned my sex drive off and let my focus wander or if a lack of sex drive (caused by who know what) left me feeling more distant.

It is something I'll be watching.

I have always been motivated to find ways to make MissusB smile or to surprise her with some kind of treat. That's not sexually motivated, unless you talk to a Freudian or an evolutionary psychologist. That sort of thing doesn't turn me on; I can say that for sure. Since she's on my mind throughout the day, and since I listen to what she says, I find myself thinking of things that will make her happy. Then, if I can, I try to do them. I think she does the same thing.

I have a much harder time staying motivated to do the mopping and the filing and the dishes. I don't expect her to smile or thank me for having a clean house, though she does sometimes. For those sorts of things, I am intentionally using romantic and erotic feelings for MissusB to help me stay motivated.

I'm not sure if I mentioned this here before, but after our first attempt at FLR ended, the house got a lot dirtier. MissusB said she felt like I was punishing her for not going on with FLR. I explained to her that on one day I felt thrilled and connected to her when I cleaned the bathroom, and then the next day, out of FLR, it was just a dirty toilet again.

So, as much as I love pleasing my wife, which is a lot, I definitely think the sexual teasing and denial is a big part of what makes this work for me.

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