Pleasant

What can I say about this weekend? It was great. We did a ton of wonderful things with the baby and enjoyed the weather. I barely cleaned a thing all weekend, which leaves me busy today.

We had some fantastic sex on Friday night. MissusB was very much in the lead. We started and finished totally focused on her pleasure. In the middle she let me spend some time working on self control. Of course she was getting soundly fucked during that time, so while it was a kindness on her part, it didn't have to be a sacrifice.

We showered together. I waxed her thighs. During the waxing, she decided I needed to feel how waxing felt in order to do a better job, so she waxed a small strip on my forearm. It didn't hurt as much as I thought it would and it was a little exciting just for being a bit exotic. She's been turning down full on foot rubs with oil, but still expecting/allowing me to rub her feet and lower legs for quite a while each evening. We got the glass replacement for the smelly rubber dildo, but she hasn't elected to use it on me yet. MissusB also told me to stop shaving my cock and balls, but to keep it "manscaped".

All these things felt perfectly natural and comfortable to us both, I'm sure.  We did talk a little about how the WLM is going so far. She is concerned that I'm getting, in her words, "the Walmart version of WLM." She feels stressed by work and doesn't want to shortchange me. At the same time, she feels like she doesn't have the energy for a 'scene' all the time. I probably said too little, but I tried to reassure her that it isn't supposed to be any kind of burden on her, so she shouldn't feel pressure. I also let her know that she might be surprised by how effective little things are. She agreed and said she'd noticed how pleased I can be by just tiny acknowledement of leadership on her part. It made me think of this post from whatevershesays about a similar conversation with his wife. I am planning to show it MissusB, but haven't had a chance yet.

I have been feeling a little of the novelty wear off of this idea. I had half hoped that the sexual tease and denial would keep me keyed up enough that it wouldn't get at all stale, but I can't say I'm surprised that reality is less sparkly and shiny than a fantasy. It seems like I still have some work to do in adjusting myself to a reality where my wife comes first in my thoughts and in my moment to moment daily activities. I am keeping my mind open about whether WLM is a workable reality for us  and so far, I'm convinced it is. There are some new routines to develop and some different lights to cast on some old ones. There's a chance for us both to grow and to grow together.

Too much and not enough

I haven't posted since Thursday. No big wlm related stuff has happened since then, not one thing worth writing a post about. MissusB hasn't let me worship her ass. She hasn't used the new dildo we got, in fact she made me throw it away because it has a bad chemical odor. She hasn't pushed me to do more or better housework. Nothing major has happened.

However, so many little things have happened that there is no chance that I'll remember them all in one sitting. We made love on Saturday morning. "The usual" seems to be evolving into her getting off with the magic wand and then us making love until I come inside her. Sex feels so much more intense than it did before. I still think about asking her if I can lick her after, but am bashful and then change my mind after my orgasm. I'm still looking forward to a chance to get practice holding my orgasm back longer and for a chance to have intercourse but not be allowed to come at all. I'm not in a big hurry for these things and I try to remember that it is more important that she gets what she's looking forward to, but they hover around.

Later in the day Saturday, she asked how I'd been while I was waiting a full week to orgasm. I said I'd been fine. That's true. I think I lost some energy near the end, but I also think I can do better if I keep trying. Then she asked if I think I could go longer and gave me a wicked smile. That had a predictable effect.

We got some new foot scrub stuff which I got to try out yesterday and we both really like it. I also scrubbed her feet with a pumice stone durig her bath last nght. She said "It seems like we will be able to tell how good of a sub you are based on how soft my feet are." We talked about whether 'sub' is a word we want to use. I don't mind it, but I don't think she's crazy about it. I proposed 'devoted', which I like just as well. She also let me give her a footrub while we had friends over. It was pretty casual, I think, since we'd been walking all day.

This morning, I admitted that I fantasize every day about asking permission to kiss her butt after she gets out of the shower every morning, but I'm always too shy. She seemed flattered and charmed, but said she didn't have time this morning and left open the possibility of letting me some other morning.

I know there were at least a half dozen other little things she did that thrilled me or made me swell with pride at pleasing her. They are starting to feel just like normal days, which is fantastic, with the only drawback being that I have less to write in here. Today I'm doing all the laundry and giving the house a real cleaning. I think I may be waxing her legs above the knee today and doing more foot care. I'm a lucky man.

Waxing

First off, I should mention that from here on I'll be referring to my wife as MissusB. She picked this name for herself for online use that has to do with FLR.

Ok, last night I waxed MissusB's legs for the first time. It was similar to my expectations. I didn't especially enjoy the process for its own sake, but I was glad to be doing it for her. The unpleasantness was mainly from being unsure of what I was doing and from hurting her. The hurting part is kind of inevitable, but it will take some getting used to. I very much enjoyed rubbing the soothing gel and the oil on after, since those seemed to feel nice for her. This morning, she asked me how her legs felt and let me stroke them a bit. They felt wonderful, of course. 

During the leg waxing, MissusB said, "After this we can do our regular foot rub." That was thrilling to hear. It is a thrill that she's willing to have me serve her. It is also gratifying for me when she show's that she understands I'll do what she says even if she doesn't phrase it as a request or leave me room to decline. So, we did our regular foot rub. While I was rubbing, she signed up for SMTR and poked around a bit and we talked about our impressions of the site. At some point during that web browsing and foot rubbing and conversation, she instructed me to take off all my clothes but my boxers. She further instructed that I am to take a photo of myself in my boxers lying on the bed with no face showing and submit it as my user pic on SMTR.

Oh also, yesterday a toy she'd expressed interest in and that I'd ordered finally arrived. It is the Anal Twist. She asked me if my butt was in a good condition for fucking, and I assured her it was. She dropped that for a while then until about an hour later she said, "You're not getting fucked tonight. I know you were hoping to, but no." 

I replied, "I suspected it wouldn't be so easy and that you were going to make me earn in."

MissusB, "Suspected or hoped?" I admitted it had been hope. So, who knows what she'll have me do to earn the use of the new toy.

As fun and exciting as this has been so far and as hopeful as I am of a great success going forward, I'm still struggling to accept that this is truly fun for MissusB. Last night was a big affirmation of that. It is funny, really, this has been something of a theme in our relationship from the beginning. Each of us sometimes just literally can't believe that we've been so lucky as to find each other. 

Ho Hum

It has been a nice week. Pretty much everything has felt comfortable and great.

My wife has asked that I learn to wax her legs so we can save the money that would go to the salon. I'm excited and a little intimidated. I gave her a few footrubs. We've been able to get the baby to sleep in her crib, so we've been able to snuggle. Oh, and we took a shower together for the first time since I can remember. With no prompting from me, my wife told me to wash the parts I most wanted to wash. That was not part of our showers last time we used to shower together regularly.

We made love Saturday morning. After much petting and caressing, she used her Magic Wand and then had me fuck her after she had been well pleased that way. I'm still working on self control during regular sex. She was enjoying herself, but didn't seem to have much patience for my attempts to slow myself down and encouraged me finish fairly quickly. Then we just lay for a little while and she held me.

We have houseguests again, so D/s interactions haven't been very overt or frequent. She did mention openly at one point that I'd been talking back a lot, which I had. It could have been played off as a joke, and I replied with a sincere apology and a promise to try harder, which may have seemed as my going along with the joke. In any case, I don't think it came across as anything odd to our guests and it was a good reminder that I need to be careful to follow her even when we're around other people.

Today, I'm back hard at work cleaning and homemaking.  

It's happening.

My wife and I had a nice conversation last night about expectations. I told her what I had come up with for my homework (see yesterday's post) and she liked it and agreed with everything. I don't think she realized how much teasing and denial I am up for. I tried to clarify. I'm confident she understood, as I'll explain later.

There weren't a lot things she doesn't want that she wanted me to be sure I knew about. She wanted to be sure I would not be afraid to tell her if I thought she was making a mistake about something. I had no intention of depriving her of my thoughts and opinions, so that was fine. She wanted to be sure that we don't do anything that is unnatural to our relationship in pursuit of this. She couldn't be very clear, but seemed to mean that we need to be sure that what we do is stuff we like for its own sake, not because it fits FLR. Then she made me promise to take some time for myself everyday. Then she said, giddily, "I think I am going to have some fun with this."

I feel like we were right in sync. Afterward, I gave her a footrub while we watched a little tv and we went to bed. Our pillow talk was sweet and tender. At one point, though, I asked if there was anything she wanted to change around the house now that she's in charge and she said no. Then she said, "actually, I want you to ask more often for me to fuck your ass." Of course, I agreed and asked right then. She declined and said it wouldn't happen whenever I asked, but that she wants it more. She also said she wants to try stimulating my prostate again. I told her we could do that anytime she'd like.

At this point I was incredibly turned on and she was getting there, too. She asked me to hold her vibrator for her. I hopped to and grabbed it and held it in the spot she likes. Then I pressed myself against her side and stroked her while she moaned and bucked her hips into the vibe. It was a wonderful experience to share with her. After she'd come twice, she switched the toy off. I climbed on top of her, but didn't make any move to enter her. I just kissed and stroked her. She responded by telling me to calm down, and said "not tonight, we need to get some sleep." Then she rolled over and was asleep in a minute.

Needless to say, I was awake a bit longer revelling in the moment and leaking precum all over my belly. Every time I managed to calm down, I'd remember what had just happened and how easy it had seemed for her and how wonderful it felt and I'd be hard all over again. I did eventually get to sleep, though.

When we woke up, she asked me how I felt, in a clear allusion to last night. I said I felt great. She was pleased to hear it and we started off our morning as usual.

Just a little chat

Yesterday was a busy day. My wife and I were both up late Sunday night travelling, so were very tired during the brief time we had together at the end of the day. She did bring up the topic of new relationship terms. We agreed that we're still generally feeling positive about it. I wasn't able to come up with a summary of my expectations and she wasn't either. We both were kind of reticent, I think. She made a good point, which is that it is kind of impractical to expect to be able to lay out all the expectations at the beginning. She is more interested in making sure that we are generally in sync about what we envision. So, her strategy is that we'll have a conversation about what we don't want and hopefully that will spur a conversation about expectations in general. She gave me homework. I am supposed to come up with three things I don't want. One each of sexual, emotional, and intellectual things.

I don't think she's reading this, so here goes. If she is, then we get a head start on that conversation.

Sexually, the thing I don't want is pain. That's pretty easy. I mean, we have played with spanking and biting and enjoyed both, but in a playful way, not really painful. I could imagine if she really wanted to do something painful to me, I could enjoy enduring it to please her.  I am hoping that never happens, though, and I'm not going to hesitate to say so. (What I do want is tease and denial.)

Emotionally, the thing I don't want is humiliation. I don't want her to degrade me or mock me. I love her and while I don't base my self esteem on her, I respect her opinion and she knows me better than anyone else does, so if she said I was a worm, it would injure me and not be fun in any way. Now, embarassment is ok. Teasing is ok. I could see being in some store somewhere having her haughtily order me to do this or that and getting a thrill from that embarassment. There is nothing really demeaning there. I love her, and I'm happy to do thing for her. (What I do want is to feel valued.)

Intellectually, I don't know. I guess the closest I can think of is sort of practicality. I mean, I don't want her to actually schedule my day for me and micromanage me. I can take specific task requests and fit them in, but she doesn't need to tell me which day to do laundry or mop or shop unless she has some specific need that I wouldn't know about. This is basically how things already are. Besides, with a baby home full time, there's only one person who get's to say exactly when any particular thing will happen and that person is only two feet tall. (What I do want is feedback and guidance.)

 I asked that we try to fit in a conversation tonight, so hopefully that can happen. I hope what I'm thinking lines up more or less with what she has in mind and I am looking forward to hearing what she has to say.

Revelation

Well, I accidentally (I swear!) left a browser window with this blog and shemakestherules.com open yesterday during the day. My wife found them.  She read everything I've written here and saw enough of smtr to see that I've been a member since January and have been writing in the forums there.

Then we had a bottle of wine and a conversation much too long to recount here. Basically, she's the best wife ever. We're not going to talk about it this weekend while she has a chance to digest a little. She's also asked that for the weekend I stop solicitous my behavior.  We'll talk again and maybe make a new, open start at wlm next week. She seems much more interested now that she understands more and acknowledged that our relationship seems already well suited to this.

Oh and I apoligized for being dishonest in hiding this from her and for being too scared to be open about it and she accepted. She also apologized for being harsh a few times lately, and explained that my 'acting weird' was stressing her out. I love her and I'm a very lucky man.

Almost nothing.

I have been feeling like I am doing poorly as being slow. So yesterday I was not planning on doing anything at all that would highlight WLM with my wife. We went to a gathering of some friends until pretty late and then when we got home, I assumed we'd go right to bed.  She wanted to stay up and look at the internet for a while to wind down, so I did offer her a foot rub, which she declined. Then we went to bed.

We put the baby to sleep in her crib, which is very rare.  I commented that I hoped we'd get to snuggle some before sleep since we've had so little chance lately. She was happy to and even suggested that we could fall asleep snuggled together. I can't even remember the last time we got to do that. So we ended up spooning with me in the back and I mentioned that it reminded me of when we first started dating. It was a wonderful feeling. Unfortunately, she replied by saying, "You've been melancholy and moony lately. Have I been neglecting you?"

I tried to explain that I wasn't feeling melancholy and was in fact very happy. She said she felt like I was just laying there waiting for something and watching her. She just wanted to go to sleep. I got defensive. I said, truthfully, I wasn't waiting and that I was just trying to get to sleep.

Then she said that she realized she is kind of freaked out by me wanting her to be dominant. I never said I want her to be dominant, but I know what she means. She wants a partner who is an equal. I assured her that I think I am her equal. Then she said she was tired and didn't want to talk about it right then and we went to sleep. Oh and she said several times, grumpily, that she is PMSing.

Tonight is our usual date night and I imagine we'll have a conversation about things. I still feel like she has been in the lead all along and belongs there. I love doing things for her and just seeing her happy is a great reward for me. I hope she can come to understand that more and accept and ask for more. But, most of all, I just want her to feel comfortable and happy in our relationship. I hope I can say that all  plainly. I love her so much.

An Accident

I was reading some erotica online yesterday during the day and found myself too excited. I waited very still and it didn't subside and I failed to reel myself back in, so I had an unauthorized orgasm. I told my wife about it last night and she said, "What are we going to have you do to make it up to me?" and then dropped it until bedtime.

Once we were in bed, she told me to tell her all about what had happened. I told her I had been looking at porn and masturbating and that it had gotten away from me. At that point she said, "Show me." Meaning she wanted to watch me stroke myself. I complied, of course.

Then she asked what kind of porn it was. I hesitantly admitted that, ironically, I was reading a story about a man whose girlfriend wouldn't let him orgasm. She asked how I found it and how I decide what porn to look at. I told her it varies and that this time I found it when I was looking at blogs about submissive men and their dominant wives. I swear I was meaning to go slow with this, but I couldn't lie. I was still stroking myself throughout this conversation while she watched from her side of the bed and interogated me.

While I was still stroking, she said that we need to come up with a way for me to communicate with her during the workday if I make a mistake like this again. I said I didn't want it to happen again. She said she didn't want me to stop masturbating during the day and that sometimes boys make mistakes but she just didn't want it to happen very often. So, now I can send her an IM and tell her that I've spilled something and she'll know what I mean.

About that point, she reached over and started rubbing and stroking my cock along with me. We stroked together until I was near orgasm and I told her I was going to come. She said, "Yes you are" so I stopped holding back and came all over my belly. She said, "You may get a towel." and had me dry off her hand. Then she used her Magic Wand and brought herself off while I stroked and kissed her body.

We talked a bit more after that, but she was ready to go to sleep. She asked if I was really getting into this D/s thing. I admitted that I am thinking about it a lot and trying to figure out how it much of it could work and how much would be to much play acting. She did say again, "I don't want to be very dominant." and I just replied, "okay." I wish I'd said more. I don't want her to be more dominant than she wants to be. I also don't want her to be abusive or too aloof. I just want her to lead and to let me treat her like I did when I was wooing her.  I love her so much. 

She didn't forget

I was afraid that after talking to my wife on Monday, she'd just go back to same old same old and that it wouldn't make an impression. Last night she showed me in several little ways that I needn't be afraid.

She let me know via IM that she was having a rough day, so I offered to help getting dinner ready even though she normally likes to do that. I thought it would just be nicer for her to come home and have one less thing to worry about. She took me up on it and I was able to have dinner ready and a glass of wine poured when she got home. She said she was grateful and even suggested that she may be letting me make dinner more in the future.

Then while we were sipping wine after eating and talking about her day at the office and the baby's day, I got up and walked over behind her and started massaging her shoulders. After a groan of pleasure, she said to the baby, "You should definitely grow up to be a career woman, little girl. It is the life."

After dinner, while we watched a little TV I massaged her feet which we both love and hadn't been able to do for week while we had a houseguest. Then she said she wanted a bath. I hopped up and ran one for her and put the baby down to sleep, which was mercifully easy. She was a little drunk and was just enjoying a hot, tipsy soak. I say at the side of the bath and stroked and rubbed her calves and thighs.

It wasn't much, but it was wonderful. If she liked it as well as I did, and I think she did, I'd be glad to do that five nights a week. I love her so much.